


Don't look

by revise



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Daddy Issues, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, F/M, Food Issues, apparently this is all i write about, weight loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-25
Updated: 2016-06-23
Packaged: 2018-06-10 15:09:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6962032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revise/pseuds/revise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jake has an eating disorder that started when he was very young. It's untreated, and nobody knows about it... until someone does know about it.</p>
<p>Note: This is bordering on an au, and I'm not really sure when it takes place in the b99 universe. People may be a little ooc, but I tried to keep them as similar to the show as possible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Jake knew someone was bound to notice. He just wasn’t sure who it would be. His relationship with Charles, where he basically revered him, was not something that would cause him to notice. Rosa was also a very unlikely candidate for finding out, considering they were the type of friends that didn’t share personal information, therefore rendering her oblivious to Jake’s… problem. Jake also would never have suspected Amy. She definitely knew him well enough, and their playful relationship was something, but he always thought she was too engrossed in beating him at everything to notice something off about him. But, as these things tend to happen, it was one of the people he never would’ve expected. 

It was Amy. 

It had to be her of course. The one person he would always have a hopeless crush on. The person that he most wanted to hide it from. But apparently he didn’t do enough. 

~

Amy had been watching Jake for about three weeks, and she could tell there was something off. Jake was always weird around her, but there was something that Amy saw that made her think there was more than the usual Jake Peralta shenanigans going on. 

He was sitting at his desk, when Charles dropped a bag of gummy worms onto his desk. Charles’s reason for doing so was that he was out at the supermarket, and they were on sale. Jake accepted them from Charles, and thanked him like he usually did when anyone gave him candy. Then, as soon as Charles was out of range and in the kitchen to put something he bought in the fridge, Jake glanced around and then discarded the entire bag into the garbage. 

This was possibly the strangest things she’d ever seen Jake do, simply because it was him doing it. Any other person, save Hitchcock and Scully, would’ve been able to get away with it. But Jake? This was unheard of. 

This was what triggered Amy to watch her coworker a little closer, and it only got stranger once she did. 

On several occasions, she had witnessed Jake in the kitchen opening the refrigerator, looking at it for an extended period of time, closing it, and then sitting down in one of the kitchen chairs, only to repeat the process two or three times. He never took anything out of the fridge, except once, when he took a baby carrot. Jake never ate carrots. And he wasn’t any sort of binge eater (that Amy knew of), so there was no reason for him to be at the fridge at all. If anybody ever went into the kitchen, Jake would casually walk out, like nothing had happened between him and the refrigerator. 

Another odd thing happened when she had gone out to get sandwiches for everybody. About a week after she had started keeping an eye on him, Amy had lost a bet to Jake, and the squad decided that the punishment would be a sandwich run for everybody’s lunch. They all wrote their names and orders on a piece of paper for Amy, and the only person missing from the list was Jake. Amy was a little irked that even though he was the winner of the bet, he hadn’t even wanted to rub it into Amy’s face by getting her to buy him the greasiest and most unhealthy sandwich he could find (he’s done that numerous times through the years). She walked up to him with the list after not seeing his name, and put it down in front of him with a pen. 

“What do you want?” She had asked. Not in an angry tone, but still firm. Jake had responded by pushing the paper back towards her, and then saying ‘nothing for me thanks’. 

Jake did some other things in those three weeks, but nothing so strange it needed to be made note of.

One of Amy’s final straws was broken though, when she saw Jake without the sweater he had been wearing nonstop for the entire time she was observing him. This had been the reason she talked to him. 

He came in one day, and took his leather jacket off to reveal one of his plaid shirts, but he looked different than usual. At first Amy wasn’t able to pinpoint what was different, but then she saw it. Nobody else saw because it was such a minor change, and they weren’t looking for problems. 

It wasn’t that Jake was ever fat by any means, but he always had a visible stomach when he wore his plaid shirts. This time though, there was nothing.

Amy took half the day to make sure she wasn't just seeing him from the wrong angles. When he stood talking to Charles though, she knew for sure. He had his arms crossed over his chest, and was leaning back and looking at Charles’s computer screen. Sure enough, where there had once been a soft curve outwards, there was nothing. It was completely flat. It wasn’t anything crazy, but it was strange to see Jake without the added padding she was so accustomed to. 

After lunch break, Amy decided to get him alone to ask what was up with him. When he got up to go to the kitchen, she followed him. Jake walked straight to the fridge, and opened it up immediately. Amy made sure to make some noise as he walked in so he wouldn’t feel like she had snuck up on him, but he flinched a little anyways when he saw her, and then closed the door of the fridge. He started to leave, but Amy gently grabbed his arm before he could get away. 

“Can I talk to you for a minute?” Amy said as casually as possible. The colour drained out of Jake’s face, but he cleared his throat a second later and agreed.

They sat down at the table in the kitchen, and Amy made sure to be facing the door so she could change the subject if anyone walked in. She felt like this topic might be a bit touchy, and alternatively, she didn’t want to be wrong about this and have other people find out about it. 

“Are you okay?” She tried to sound sincere and serious, so he would know she cared about him. 

His head went back, and he frowned before responding.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” He smiled, “Are you okay?” 

“Yes, I’m fine. This isn’t about me,” Amy paused and gathered her thoughts, “You’ve lost weight,”

Jake inhaled sharply, and didn’t say anything. Amy titled her head down and willed him to say something.

“Yes,” Jake stated. 

Amy realized she wasn’t getting anything out of him unless she asked a direct question.

“Why?” She couldn’t really think of a good question to ask, so she went with the most general question in the world.

“Because I’ve been eating healthier I guess,” Jake turned his head to the side and away from Amy, “More exercise too,”

Amy narrowed her eyes because she was sure that while this wasn’t a complete lie, it was far from the truth. 

“Eating healthier, or eating nothing?” Amy didn’t waste any time skirting the question.

“I eat,” Jake sounded a tad defensive.

“Just not at work then?” Amy wanted more from Jake’s answers.

“I eat,” He repeated, this time sounding like he wasn’t quite as sure of the statement. 

“Jake,” Amy put her hand on Jake’s that were stacked on the table, “I really care about you, and I need to know if something is going on that could put you at risk,” 

“It’s nothing,” Jake looked down at his lap. The game: avoid eye contact with Amy at all times. 

“It isn’t nothing, and you know it,” Amy leaned closer to Jake, “You work with a bunch of detectives, you had to expect one of us to find out sooner or later,”

“Fine. I’m not okay. But that doesn’t make it your job to deal with me,” Jake admitted.

“Yes, it does. You’re my coworker, and my friend. I want to help you,” Amy scanned Jake’s face for emotion, but there was nothing. 

“How did you find out?” Jake closed his eyes. 

“You threw away some gummy worms,” Amy turned one side of her lips up in a half smile, and blinked up at Jake. 

“Of course that’s what it was,” Jake sighed. 

They sat in silence for a couple moments, and then Jake stood up and started to walk away.

“Hey, where are you going?” Amy reached out and touched Jake’s arm. He stopped and turned around.

“Back to work. Where else?” Jake turned around and started walking again. 

Amy sat in silence for a few moments, and then stood up to leave as well. Even if Jake didn’t really say what was going on, at least he admitted to having a problem. Amy really wanted to know more about what was going on, but she knew there was no chance of her getting any more out of him today.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments and kudos guys, you all rock. Also, this should be finished soon, as there are only eight chapters and I will be updating every two or three days :)

It had been another week of Amy watching him, and Jake felt like he was under a microscope. It seriously didn’t help that she sat directly across from him at work. Sure they did go out for a couple of days for a minor drug bust, but other then that, it had been a slow week.

Jake looked up from his computer, to see Amy’s eyes on him.

“What?” Jake raised his eyebrows at her.

“You’ve lost more weight,” Amy said bluntly.

“First off, don’t talk so loud, or out in the open,” Jake frowned at her, “And second, you can’t possibly be able to tell,”

Amy leaned forwards and gave him a once over before speaking again.

“You’ve been consistently wearing a belt since Monday, and yesterday you tightened it a notch, so I’m assuming your pants wouldn’t fit if you weren’t wearing it. Also you’ve stopped going to the kitchen altogether, and that would indicate that you're not even trying anymore, which I think we need to talk about,” Amy finished and then leaned back.

“We already talked about it,” Jake paused when Amy raised her eyebrows at him, “And yes, I have lost weight. Thanks for noticing,” Jake said sarcastically.

“Jake,” Amy’s voice softened, and he smiled softly.

“I’m fine Amy. This happens sometimes. I’ll get over it,” Jake blinked slowly, and then his eyes met Amy’s.

“I know you're not fine. You admitted it last week, and it seems like you’ve gotten worse. Also, wouldn’t it be easier to get over it if you had help?”

“I don’t know. Nobody knows about… me,” Jake shrugged.

“Do you maybe want to hang out after work at my house?” Amy suggested, “We don’t have to talk about anything specific. We can watch a movie or something, your choice,”

Jake smiled, because he knew what kind of movies Amy liked to watch, and it wasn’t anything he liked. It was sweet of her to offer. Jake thought about it for a moment, and then decided.

“Okay. As long as it’s just a movie,” Jake made sure.

“Just a movie,” Amy repeated.

Jake went back to his computer, but could still feel Amy’s eyes on him.

The one thing Jake didn’t do all the rest of the day was go to the kitchen. He wanted to so badly, but what was the point. All it would achieve would be more stares from Amy, and a chance that somebody else would notice his strange habits. Amy certainly wasn’t helping his cause in regards to stealth even while he wasn’t in the kitchen. She was always hovering around him. When he went to talk to Charles for a bit in the break room, Amy made an excuse to also be in the room. When Jake went to Rosa’s desk to discuss a possible lead for her case, Amy walked by several times. It was no question, people were getting suspicious.

Jake was on edge until the end of the day, when he drove to Amy’s house.

The car ride was short. Shorter than Jake hoped it would be. He wanted there to be a surprise obstruction on the road that would postpone his movie date with Amy. Well, not date, but thing.

He knocked quietly on the door, and it was immediately answered by the girl herself. It was a strange sight to see Amy wearing sweat pants, and a t-shirt, but he supposed she was just trying to make this as casual as possible. She ushered him into the living room where they sat on the couch, and decided on a movie. Amy didn’t really have much to choose from, but he managed to find something half decent. They popped it into the dvd player, and started watching.

About half an hour in, Amy started talking. She wasn’t really saying anything real, kinda just rambling to herself about random topics, or making jokes at the tv. It was interesting to see. She was trying to be casual, but he could feel her awkwardness coming out.

“I’m just going to run to the bathroom for a minute, be right back,” Jake knew they both needed an out just for a couple minutes.

“You want me to pause it?” Amy called after him.

Jake turned around and shook his head, then he disappeared around the corner.

The bathroom was spotless, and it smelled like some sort of flower. Jake kinda liked it. It was so… Amy.

He rested his hands on the counter, and looked down at the sink. He shouldn’t have come over. Tension was rising, and he knew that even though Amy told him it was just a movie, it really wasn’t. She was going to ask him what was up, and he did not want to give out any information. Jake splashed some water on his face, and looked at his reflection in the mirror. Same as usual. Unless you looked a little closer. Jake was bordering on underweight at this point, having started this thing far longer than even Amy knew about. He started losing weight roughly a month and a half before she started watching him. He dropped a good twenty ish pounds, and nobody even noticed. He also started wearing more clothes. He was wearing belts every day now, and he was layering shirts under his plaid. This was probably the only reason Amy wasn’t in more distress.

Jake blinked at himself a few times to clear his head, and then he stood up straight. It was time to face Amy.

He walked into the living room, and Amy snapped her head up. She scooted over a little more on the couch to make room for him. Jake sat down, but didn’t face the television. He sat cross legged facing Amy. She turned to him, and gave him a questioning glance. Jake didn’t say anything just yet. He reached for the remote and shut the tv off. Amy looked like she was about to protest, but Jake cut her off.

“I know you don’t like the movie. It’s fine,” He said, and she gave him a thankful look, “And I also know you won’t let me off the hook without talking to me first, so lets just get this over with now,”

“Hey, I wasn’t gong to grill you or anything. I just wanted to know a few more things…” She trailed off, and Jake raised his eyebrows at her.

“Ask away. I’m not an open book, but I am a book,” Jake tried to make a joke, but it ended up sounding a little sad.

“Okay, Umm,” Amy was caught off guard, and Jake felt a little proud of himself, “How long has this been going on?” She also turned to sit cross legged.

“Depends on what you count as the beginning,” Jake answered vaguely.

“What do you mean?” Amy was confused now.

“Well, the beginning of this in particular was about two and a half months ago…” Jake trailed off without finishing the rest of the sentence.

“And?” Amy pushed

Jake looked down and sighed before looking back up at Amy.

“It’s been going on since I was seven or eight, I don’t really remember exactly,”

Amy leaned back and blinked, seeming to be calculating something.

“Twenty six years?!” Amy was surprised at her own calculation.

“I guess,” Jake shrugged.

“Jake, how come you haven’t gotten help?”

“I don’t know. It just feels like these are my issues, and I’m fine on my own. I don’t need help, or anybody to sort things out for me. And besides, it’s not like I’ve been consistently like this the whole time, it’s off and on,”

“Still… how come nobody else figured it out?”

“I was good at hiding it,” Jake gave a half smile, “I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve,”

“Then why did I figure it out this time?”

“The questions never cease, do they?” Jake didn’t answer Amy’s question.

It may have seemed like he was just skirting the question, but Jake genuinely didn’t know the answer. He definitely didn’t consciously want Amy, or anyone, to find out. But maybe somewhere deep down, he did.

“You told me to ask questions, I’m just doing what you said,” Amy answered his question.

“Fair enough,”

They sat in silence for a little while, both looking at their laps. Jake didn’t want to meet Amy’s eyes, because he could tell she was disappointed in him, and that she didn’t fully understand. He didn’t expect her to get it right away, but it almost seemed like she was disgusted.

Amy didn’t really know why Jake wouldn’t look back up at her. She was just trying to understand him, and she was feeling a bit overwhelmed. Amy knew she wasn’t the one with a problem, but it was hard to get her head around, and she didn’t even know exactly what ‘this’ was. A few more moments passed, and she decided to toughen up and ask some more questions.

“I think I know what is going on, but do you mind telling me what it is in your eyes?” Amy asked as gently as possible.

“I don’t know,” Jake shook his head, “I guess it’s just me being difficult with myself,” Jake didn’t really give a clear answer.

“It’s not your fault Jake. People would never starve themselves because they want to,”

“I don’t starve myself,” Jake said harshly, making Amy’s head snap up, her eyes glassy, “Fuck. I’m sorry, I suppose I kinda do… that, but it’s not really the way I see it. I don’t do it forever, just when things get bad, I get a little off track,” Jake reached for Amy’s hand and held it between his own.

“I just don’t understand why,” Amy looked up at Jake, a tear streaking down her face.

“Amy, I’m sorry. I don’t know how to tell you,” Jake wiped the tear off her cheek, “I’m so sorry you got caught up in this,” He repeated.

“This is all wrong, I’m supposed to be comforting you,” Amy sniffled, “I have no right to be crying in front of you like this,”

“No Amy, it’s fine. I’ve been dealing with this my whole life, and you've known about it for a week. Please don’t beat yourself up over this,”

“Okay,” Amy said defeatedly.

They sat for awhile longer, Jake still holding Amy’s hand. They didn’t look at each other. It was almost comfortable. Still horrible because of the conversation. But, neither one minded the company of the other.

It was awhile before Jake left Amy’s house, and when he did, Amy couldn’t help but feel a little relieved. Amy didn’t think it was because Jake was gone, she more thought it was because he had opened up to her. It gave her hope, that maybe, even if he hadn’t gotten through this quite properly before, this time it might be more possible.


	3. Chapter 3

The weekend went by, and Jake didn’t know how to feel now that Amy knew about his problem. He had never told anybody, and it was kind of scaring him. Based on the way she handled it once she got some more info, it would be a bumpy ride trying to get her to understand a little better. He liked Amy a lot as well, and maybe even wanted to be more than friends. Now that she knew all this stuff about him though, he didn’t know if Amy would ever look at him like that, let alone look at him without scanning him for weight issues.

He got in to work a little late as usual. Amy was already there at her desk, and she immediately looked up at him when he walked out of the elevator. He tried to walk as casually as possible to his desk, but he couldn’t help being tense. Jake had no idea what Amy would say to him today. He just hoped she would be discreet about it. 

“Do anything fun this weekend?” She asked as he sat down.

Jake tilted his head, and looked at her with a slightly confused glance.

“No, not really,” Jake didn’t know what kind of answer she was looking for, so he told the truth, “I ate some carrots,”

In truth, he did eat carrots on the weekend. Ten to be exact. He had the last of a large bag of them in his fridge, and he forced them down. It was a step in the right direction, but considering he normally ate toast, and sometimes oranges, while he was in this sort of state, made it still worse than usual. Jake hated the fact, but was thankful Amy knew none of this. She simply nodded at him, and went back to whatever work she was doing before. 

Jake thought it was fair to assume she would be talking to him in private later that day. 

Everything went pretty much as usual, until they got called out into the field. Rosa, Amy, Jake, and Charles were all sent out to check out two murders that were supposedly connected. Of course Jake went with Amy. Rosa claimed Charles because apparently she wasn’t in the mood to deal with the other two. 

Amy called driving, and Jake was a little relieved. He didn’t feel super well, and he knew it was probably best if he didn’t drive. His head had been swimming since the morning, and he tried to keep drinking water, but it wasn’t helping. It hadn’t been this bad for at least ten years. He always seemed to get a hold of himself within a couple months, but now it looked like there was no end. 

“So how are you today?” Amy asked, hoping Jake knew what she meant.

“I don’t know,” Jake was honest because he couldn’t bring himself to lie to Amy. 

“Are you going to be okay to do this job?” Amy was concerned now, “Because I can take it if you don’t feel like you can. It’s no problem,” 

“No, I can do this. I’ll be fine by tomorrow,” Jake really didn’t want to leave Amy alone on this case, and it would be a good distraction for him.

“Okay,” Amy still didn’t sound sure about it, “If anything happens though, please pull yourself from the case. I don’t want anything to happen to you,” 

“Nothing is going to happen Amy, I’m fine,” Jake didn’t know if he believed himself, but he had to comfort Amy any way he could. 

They got into the apartment where the murder had happened, and the woman was under a sheet. The first responders had already marked some things down, and they uncovered her as soon as they saw Amy and Jake. They looked over some details with Amy, and Jake hovered at the edge of the room. Once Amy and the other guys finished, they left the room so she and Jake could work. Jake was extremely standoffish the entire time they were there. He didn’t say anything he didn’t have to, and when they left, he was extremely quiet. 

About half way through the drive back to the nine-nine, Amy couldn’t take it any more. Jake was obviously bothered by the murder, and he wasn’t saying anything. 

“What’s up Jake? I know you're not okay right now, so please don’t say it’s nothing,” 

“It is nothing though,” Jake really didn’t want to talk about it. 

“No, it’s not. Would you please just tell me. If you don’t I’m going to have to tell Holt about you… and get him to pull you from the case,” Amy’s voice faltered as she spoke, but Jake could tell she wasn’t bluffing.

“Please Amy, don't tell him. I’ll talk to you, just don’t tell anyone else about me,” Jake pleaded. 

“Okay, I won’t. But maybe you should still drop this case. I don’t want you to get any worse,”

“No, I’m fine,” Jake assured her, “It’s just… she was a model, you know that, and I know it’s stupid, but the way she looked…” Jake stopped again, “You get it right?”

It all made sense to Amy now, she was totally oblivious before, she was almost disappointed that she didn’t see it sooner. Yes she saw that the model didn't look quite healthy like an average person, but it didn’t occur to her that Jake would be affected by that. 

“I’m sorry Jake, I didn’t realize,” Amy felt a little bad now for not knowing. 

“No, It’s fine. I wouldn’t expect you to see that. I’m just hypersensitive to this kind of thing,” Jake assured her. 

“I’m still sorry,”

They seemed to be apologizing a lot these days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys liked this one. It's a bit shorter than usual, but the next one should be longer. Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

They didn’t get a solid lead on the case until the next day. When they did though, they knew exactly where to go. It was actually a pretty easy case, because both the victims were models working for the same company, and they worked their way to the manager. It was without a doubt him, but they needed to make the arrest. 

The four detectives made a trip to his work to confront him. 

They busted into his office, and he immediately bolted out the window. Jake’s instincts took over, and he ran straight through the window and after them, calling to the others to cut him off outside.

The guy’s office was on the second story of the building, but he had jumped down onto a dumpster. Jake followed suit, but the jolt through his body when he landed sent a wave of dizziness through him. He shook it out of his head, and kept running though. They couldn’t let this guy get away.

Jake chased him down an alley and over a fence before finally catching up to him. Rosa ran up around from the other direction, but she was still a ways away. Jake grabbed the guy from behind, and they both fell to the ground. Jake luckily on top of him. He was strong though, and he flipped over and punched Jake in the face and shoved him off. Jake recovered quickly enough, and tried to stand up again. The man’s foot came flying straight at him, and he felt an intense pain in his ribs. Then the foot came around again, this time for his head. 

Jake didn’t remember anything after that.

Rosa pulled her gun out, and the man tried to run the opposite direction. Charles was right behind him though, also with his gun out. Amy appeared behind Rosa a couple seconds later, and the man put his hands up.

“On your knees!” Rosa shouted at him.

He immediately dropped down, and let Rosa and Charles cuff him.

“You guys take care of him, I’m going to deal with Jake,” Amy told Charles, and he nodded sadly.

Amy could tell that Charles was at a crossroad with himself. He definitely didn't want to leave Jake alone and unconscious, but he also had to do his job. 

Rosa and Charles left to go back to the car, and then they were alone. 

Amy could already see the bruises forming on Jake’s face, and there was a cut beside his eyebrow. 

Jake started to stir, and Amy refrained from calling an ambulance like she was going to. He blinked a few times to clear his vision, and then he recognized Amy. 

“What happened?” He started to get up, but Amy put a hand to his chest and held him down, “He didn’t get away right?”

“No, Charles and Rosa have him. Everything’s fine,” Amy assured him, “What happened to you? I wasn’t here to see,” 

“I got punched, it’s fine,” Jake didn’t want Amy to know anything more because he definitely didn’t want to go to the hospital. 

“You got knocked out from one punch?” Amy seemed skeptical.

Jake’s lips formed a line, and then he decided to come clean— mostly.

“Then I got kicked… in the face,” He finished. 

Jake purposely omitted the fact that he also got kicked in the ribs. What she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her. 

“We need to go to the hospital then!” Amy was suddenly frantic.

“No, no, no, Amy, I’m fine,” Jake was not going no matter what she said. 

“But Jake…” 

“I’m fine, see,” Jake pushed himself up onto his hands and into a sitting position, “Okay?” 

Jake was in extreme pain after the movement, but he hid it as well as he could.

“Okay,” Amy didn’t want him to just walk away, but she couldn’t force him to the hospital. 

She helped him up the rest of the way, and they started walking back to the car. Jake hid his winces of pain with each step, until he finally reached the seat. He lowered himself slowly, and felt his head spinning. He couldn’t tell if it was from not eating, or getting hit in the head. Either way, not good. 

The drive back to the precinct was as comfortable as things got these days. Amy didn’t seem too worried about Jake, and he was starting to feel a little better. He didn’t think his ribs were broken, just really badly bruised. It was a wonder things weren’t worse, but his vest helped out quite a bit. 

When they got back into the station, everyone patted him on the back lightly and asked how he was doing. Rosa looked especially worried though, because she had seen the whole thing. She came up to him after the swarm had left. 

“You sure you shouldn’t be at the hospital?” She nodded at his ribs, “You got kicked pretty hard there, and you probably have a concussion considering you were unconscious,”

“I’m fine, I don’t think anything is broken or anything. And even if it is a concussion, the doctors are just going to tell me to take it easy. Nothing I don’t already know,” Jake smiled tiredly, and Rosa nodded.

“Take care of yourself Jake,” Her eyes seemed to linger on him for a moment. 

Jake saw her zero in on his waist, and then turn around abruptly and go back to her desk. He really didn’t want her asking any questions. He trusted Rosa though, and they didn’t often talk about personal issues. Why would they start now?

Jake sat back down at his desk, and Amy gave him a sad smile. Then she held her hand out to him. She was holding a carrot. 

Jake looked at it for a long second, then smiled at Amy. He took the carrot, and bit into it. Carrots were good, they gave him nutrients. He needed the carrot.

~

Jake went home that night, feeling worse than ever. He had eaten the carrot that Amy gave him, and felt better for a second. Then he felt worse. Carrots were his sick food. He hated them, and refused to eat them when he was at his best. 

Jake stood in front of his bathroom mirror, assessing the damage of the day. The bruise on his face was blossoming a dark red, and moving on to purple. It spread from the corner of his left eye, down his cheek, and over to his ear. Jake also suspected he had a small concussion, but it wasn’t that big of a deal. He knew Holt wasn’t going to let him on any cases until his face got a little better. 

Stepping back from the mirror, Jake took his shirt off. There was another bruise, spreading across his side along his ribs. It was the same colour as his face, maybe a bit more purple. There was also some other unsavoury things he saw. He sighed at the sight of his too prominent ribs, almost poking through his skin. They weren’t as bad as his worst episode, but they were getting there. It was hard to look at himself, and it nearly made him sick. He desperately wanted to eat, but he couldn’t do it. Jake squeezed his eyes shut, and then put his shirt back on. He really didn’t want to be alone, but he also didn’t want to bother Amy. He didn’t want Amy to know how bad it had gotten. 

He made his way to his room to put some sweats and a comfortable t-shirt on. He used to just sleep in shorts, but he was constantly cold now, and he felt better covering himself with more layers. Even if he was alone, he didn’t like to remind himself about the side effects of his problem. He was disgusted at the way his body looked. He knew he should be doing better by now, and he should be eating something instead of preparing for bed, but that was impossible. He knew what would happen if he went into the kitchen. He would ping pong with his own thoughts until finally he gave in and sat on the floor. Or a darker situation might play out. Jake hadn’t done it for years, since his lowest point in his twenties. He feared falling into a spiral like that, so he simply didn’t eat at all. If he went into the kitchen now, he might eat until he couldn’t anymore, and then he would throw up. When he used to do it, that’s how it started. He would eat in the night, and then get rid of it all afterwards. Then it slowly morphed into eating regular meals and then getting rid of them. He didn’t know which was worse, but he desperately didn’t want to go back down that road. Jake was terrified.

He crawled into bed, and felt empty. In more ways than one.


	5. Chapter 5

Another week passed, and for Jake, nothing changed. He was still losing weight, and it was starting to show more drastically. No matter how many layers he wore, he looked underweight. He looked like he had… a problem. It was Monday, and people were the most susceptible to notice changes on Mondays. Even if only two days had passed, they would see drastic change in his appearance because they would’ve been ignoring it for the entire previous week. Jake knew he would have a problem. 

He layered on an extra shirt so he was wearing one more than the last week. It might help a little, but it wouldn’t hide the change in his face. His cheeks were sunken in, and his neck was thinner than it used to be. It was almost a good thing he got beat up the week previous. His bruises had faded into green, yellow, reddish purple, and blue. It wasn’t pretty, but at least that would be the main focus if anyone looked at him. 

~

Amy was antsy. She wanted Jake to come in so she didn’t have to worry about him any more. She saw how bad his face was, and she also saw that he still wasn’t eating. She wished he would walk in looking like his old self, but she knew that was impossible.

She had been thinking of him all weekend, and was tempted to call, but then she thought that would be weird, so she didn’t. And she’d rather talk in person anyways. 

The elevator dinged, and Amy snapped her head up. The doors slid open, and out walked Jake. He didn’t look well. First, his bruise was a nasty vomit colour with some blue and purple mixed in with it, and second, it looked like he was starving himself. Amy didn’t understand how she hadn’t noticed before how malnourished he looked, but she sure did now. In fact, Amy would be surprised if the entire precinct didn’t notice.

He walked slowly to his desk, and sat. Amy could practically feel the tension wafting off of him. Jake was nervous. 

“Hey Jake,” She wanted to relieve him as best she could of the stress he must be under right now, “How are you this morning?”

“Oh you know, as good as anyone on a Monday morning,” Even his voice was a bit shaky. 

Amy nodded, and smiled sympathetically at him. 

It was agonizing. All morning, Jake could feel his coworkers eyes on him. Nobody said anything, yet, but he knew they saw through him. It was a waiting game, to see who would crack first. Jake felt like it could be Rosa. Charles didn’t have the heart to question Jake, but Rosa was harsh and would probably tell him like it is. 

He lasted until just after lunch. Well… Amy’s lunch. He couldn’t take it anymore. Jake knew it was completely unlikely that every glance in his direction, or conversation between two workers was addressing his appearance, but that’s what he felt. He had to get out. 

Jake stood up abruptly, and walked straight out to the balcony. He sat on one of the chairs currently outside, facing away from the windows. He didn’t want people to see him right now. 

The door opened and closed behind him, and he prepared himself for the worst. Another chair got dragged along the floor, and next to him. Jake turned his head, and was surprised to see Amy. She sat down next to him, but didn’t say anything.

“I didn’t peg you as a slacker,” Jake tried to lighten the mood.

“Jake,” Apparently Amy didn’t want to lighten the mood.

“What?” Jake was suddenly irritated. 

He was done with Amy butting into all his issues like this. He didn’t ask her to come out here, and clearly she didn’t want to be out here with him.

“Calm down Jake, I just want to help,” Amy was suddenly defensive.

Jake knew he was being unreasonable, but he didn’t feel like being nice right now. He was so done with everything, and he didn’t care what happened. 

“Look Amy, I know you don’t want to be here. So leave. You don’t want to deal with me, and neither do I, just leave it,” Jake turned away from Amy, because he could feel tears coming on. 

Amy didn’t leave. Instead, she touched Jake’s arm. Suddenly, all his anger melted away into despair. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean any of that,” Jake felt hot tears start to stream down his face. 

He hadn’t cried in front of anyone for years.

“It’s fine, no harm done,” Amy was surprisingly understanding, “Now do you want to tell me what’s going on with you?”

“Okay,” Jake wiped the tears off his face, and turned back towards her, “I think being… alone, has made it harder for me to get better. I’ve always been able to bounce back, but now that you know about my issue, I feel even more alone in this. Believe me Amy, I don’t blame you at all, but I don’t know how to deal with you knowing,” 

Amy thought for a long moment before responding. Jake really hoped he didn’t offend her with what he said. He liked Amy a lot, and it would suck to have her against him. Despite saying she made it worse, Jake wasn’t quite sure that was true. 

“Would it… would it help if you had some company at home for awhile?” Amy was timid with her question.

Jake thought for a second, and then decided he shouldn’t think any more. Thinking was bad. 

“You really don’t have to do it if you don’t want to…” Jake trailed off. 

He wanted Amy to come over. Not just because he liked her, but because he felt like it might help.

“I do want to Jake. I want you to get better, and if I can help in any way, then I want to do it,”

“Okay,” Jake was so glad Amy responded this way. 

“So… I’ll just stay with you for however long it takes then,” Amy stated.

“I don’t want to put you in an awkward position,” Jake said, “You don’t have to stay for very long,”

“Again, Jake. I want to,” Amy squeezed Jake’s arm, and he smiled halfheartedly, “I want to,” She repeated.

~

Jake didn’t breeze through the rest of the day like he hoped he might. Despite feeling better because of Amy, he didn’t really feel better. It felt like a bandaid, and when he ripped it off, which he eventually would have to, it would hurt like hell.

There was also the fact that everyone was still a little put off by his appearance. He could feel it as soon as he walked back inside. Still, nobody had the guts to actually say anything, but his little episode out on the balcony was pretty visual. They were all probably wondering what was going on with him and Amy. 

It ended up being the Sergeant. Jake completely forgot about him, but it made sense it would be him. He was such a caring guy, and he had kids, so he was always looking out for people. 

Jake was in the kitchen grabbing a water bottle from the fridge when Terry approached him. 

“Hey Jake,” What an icebreaker.

“Hey Sarge, what’s up?” Jake turned around and cracked open the lid of the bottle.

“Have you been feeling okay?” Terry asked.

“Aside from the galaxy on the side of my face, yeah, I’m feeling fine,” Jake sounded like his healthy self, but he sure didn’t feel like it.

He didn’t like lying, but it was necessary sometimes. 

“Have you been sleeping okay, eating?” Terry continued, not really believing Jakes previous answer.

“Yeah, of course,” Jake took a sip from his water.

“Okay…” The Sergeant patted Jake on the shoulder, “Take care of yourself Jake,”

Terry nodded at Jake, and Jake tried to put on the most confused expression he could, while nodding like he would try. He wanted Terry to think Jake didn't know anything about his bedraggled appearance. Jake walked out of the room, leaving the Sarge a little disgruntled in the kitchen.

When Jake got back to his desk, Amy gave him a look. Jake read it as ‘did he find out about you’ but he could be wrong.

“He just wanted to know how I’m doing, and he asked if I was sleeping, or… or eating,” Jake tried to swallow the lump in his throat.

“It’s going to be fine,” Amy reassured, “Everything’s going to work out,”


	6. Chapter 6

That night, Amy went home first to pack a suitcase of things she would need while she stayed with Jake. This was going to be weird. It was almost like moving in with a boyfriend, but Jake totally wasn’t her boyfriend. That would be unprofessional. 

She arrived at his house, and he showed her into his apartment. It was surprisingly clean. This wasn’t like Jake at all.

“Wow… I was not expecting it to look like this in here,” Amy commented.

“I clean sometimes when I have nothing else to do. And I wanted you to be comfortable here. I’m sorry I don’t have an extra bed, but I do have some blankets and a sleeping bag,” 

Amy smiled. That sounded more like Jake. 

“Thats perfect. Thanks Jake. Do you mind if I put my stuff down somewhere?” Amy rolled her suitcase forwards a little to emphasize her question.

“Oh, yeah,” Jake nodded, “Your room is over here,” He turned around, and lead Amy to small room next to the kitchen. 

Amy wondered what used to be in there, but she didn’t dwell on it. There was a large pile of folded blankets on a stool in the corner of the room, and there was a rolled up sleeping bag leaning against the wall beside it. On one of the walls, there were three shelves one on top of each other with nothing on them. Amy didn’t know if there had ever been anything on the shelves, but they were sure empty now. The room was actually a little depressing, and Amy didn’t look forward to the nights, but it was nice of Jake to put a room together for her. 

“Thanks, I’ll unpack my stuff later. Do you want to watch tv or something?” Amy kinda just wanted to get out of the room.

“Uh, yeah, okay,” Jake was surprised at Amy’s suggestion, but he was happy to go along with it. 

He lead Amy to his living room, and they sat down on the couch facing the television. He grabbed the remote, and hit the power button. It landed on HGTV, and Amy leaned back. Jake took that as a yes to what was already on. He also leaned back, and started watching. 

This was strange for him. He hadn’t just sat back and watched television for a long time. Mostly his time at home consisted of avoiding the kitchen, sleeping, and drowning in his own thoughts. He tried to avoid the latter, but it always seemed to happen. Jake had been roaming the streets instead of going home after work to avoid being there for so much time. Amy didn’t know about this, so he might have to stop going out so much. 

After a little while, Amy got hungry. She wanted Jake to eat something with her, but she didn’t know how to ask. It was an awkward topic, but she knew he needed to eat something. This was why she offered to stay with him, to get him back on track. 

“Is there anything in your kitchen… any food I mean?” Amy asked timidly.

Jake visually tensed.

“I’m… I’m not actually sure,” Jake looked down at his lap, “I haven’t been in there for awhile,”

“Do you mind?” Amy asked.

“Be my guest,”

Amy stood up from the couch and walked into the kitchen. She could feel Jake’s eyes on her back as she got closer to the fridge. She opened it up, and was met with an extremely disappointing sight. There was a bottle of apple juice, and an unopened bag of baby carrots. That was it. She closed the fridge, and moved on to the cupboards. She went through some plates and glasses, and then found the one where food should be sitting. There was a box of KD, and two sleeves of saltine crackers. 

It took Amy a second to realize, but this meant Jake must not be eating anything at all. She turned around slowly, and Jake met her eyes. He knew she knew.

“I’m going to the store, and I’m going to buy some food. I’ll be back in a little bit,” Amy said. 

“Okay, I’ll be here when you get back, I guess,”

Jake suddenly realized what was going to happen. He didn’t think over what would happen if Amy stayed with him. He was just thinking about his crush, and maybe having someone around to stop him from getting stuck in his head. He forgot that Amy needed food, and that meant she would be cooking it in his house. There was going to be food in the house, and Amy was going to want him to eat some. 

Amy drove to the nearest store to pick up her groceries. She didn’t really know what Jake would want to eat, so she decided to get a wide variety of things. She assumed vegetables and fruit would be good, so she bought a bunch of them. She also got a whole whack of other food, and some juice. As she learned more about Jake’s details, she would cater to his needs. She planned to be at his house as long as he needed her. 

On the drive back to Jake’s house, she planned to make some toast and an egg. Jake would eat toast. That seemed like something light and manageable.

She knocked on Jake’s door, and he answered almost immediately. He grabbed one of the bags from her arms, and walked it into the kitchen. Amy saw him deliberately not look at what was in the bag. It made her sad. She didn’t know how bad Jake had gotten. 

“Feel free to take over the kitchen,” Jake offered Amy, “I’m just going to be watching tv,”

“Will you eat something?” Amy decided to go the bold route, and asked him straight out. 

Jake inhaled and held his breath for a moment, seeming to be debating something in his head.

“I don’t know,” Jake didn’t know. 

He wanted to eat something, but he also didn’t. He was so conflicted.

“I’m just making toast and some eggs,” Amy didn’t expect a straight answer from Jake, but it was worth a try.

Jake sat back down on the couch. The tv was still on, but he wasn’t really watching. He actually had his eye on Amy, who was unpacking food into the fridge and cupboards. He saw some of the things getting put away, and it nearly made him sick. Just the thought of eating food churned his stomach these days. 

Amy finished unpacking everything, and then started on the eggs. She made them plain scrambled, with no salt or pepper. She also popped down two pieces of bread into the toaster, and didn’t intend on buttering them.

She finished the simple meal, and made up two plates. She put one of the pieces of toast, and a small helping of eggs onto his plate. Then Amy put the rest on her plate, and added some salt to the eggs as well as some butter on the toast. 

Amy set both plates on the small table in the kitchen, and then looked at Jake. He held eye contact with her, but didn’t move. 

“Please come and at least sit with me,” 

“Fine,” Jake stood up, and sat across from Amy.

He looked down at what she made him. It was just plain toast, and eggs. He could eat both of those. It wasn’t a big deal. He looked up at Amy, and saw she had been watching him. 

“Could you not look please?” Jake didn’t want to hurt Amy’s feelings, but with her eyes on him, he didn’t know if he could bring himself to even try. 

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I…” Amy stopped, and then decided not to say what she was going to originally.

“What?” Jake was curious.

“I’ll talk to you in a little bit,”

“Oh” Jake looked at Amy for another second, and then they both looked away from each other.

Jake stared down at his plate for a good minute before making a move. He grabbed the toast, and looked at it in his hands. His mind immediately started fighting with itself. 

Toast wasn’t that bad. There weren’t even that many calories in it. Toast wasn’t a big deal. But toast is carbs. Carbs are bad. Not eating is bad. But it feels good. It shouldn’t. 

Jake took a bite of the toast. It was small, but not comically so. It was the first bite of actual food he'd had in almost a week. 

He chewed for a long time, until it formed a tasteless ball in his mouth, and then he chewed some more. Amy finished her food, and took the plate to the sink. She went into her room and grabbed a book, and then sat back down at the table. Jake kept chewing. Amy pursed her lips, but kept reading. 

Jake stopped chewing. 

“I can't do this,” Jake stood up abruptly, and opened the trash can in his kitchen. 

He spit out the tasteless mound that was once in his mouth, and turned back to Amy.

“I’m sorry,” He walked back over and sat down again.

“It’s okay Jake,” Amy pushed his plate to the side, and then reached her hands out towards Jake.

He took her hands, and felt a little better. This had become a calming gesture, but Jake didn’t want to get addicted to it. He wasn’t about to take his hands away though, so he held on. 

“I couldn’t do it,” Jake didn’t know what else to say.

“And that’s fine. Just trying to eat was a step in the right direction,” 

“Whatever,”

“I want to help you Jake, but I can’t if I don’t know how,”

“I don’t know how either,”

“Can you tell me why this… eating disorder… started?”

Jake tensed at the words, and took a shaky breath.

“It’s not an… an… that’s not what it is,” Jake let go of Amy’s hands.

“I know it’s hard to admit, but Jake, the signs are all here. I think admitting it to yourself is the first step to getting better,” Amy pulled her hands back as well.

“I’m sorry Amy, maybe this was a bad idea. You can leave if you want,” Jake didn’t want her to leave, but he also didn’t want to kill any sliver of chance he had left with her. 

“No,”

“No?”

“I’m not leaving you Jake. You need to get better. I would hate myself if something happened to you and I could’ve done something to stop it,” 

Jake smiled halfheartedly, and tried to blink away the sting in his eyes.

“Amy,”

“Jake,”

“Is there any way you could sit in my room for awhile before we go to sleep?” Jake asked quietly.

“Yeah, of course Jake,” Amy didn’t skip a beat, “I’ll just get my pyjamas on, and brush my teeth first,”

“Thank you,”

Jake stood up and went to his room to change. It suddenly occurred to Jake that Amy hadn’t seen him fully, and he panicked a little. She only saw him through layers and layers of clothing, and without that, he had no idea what she’d think. He put on his sweat pants, that were nearly falling off him, and a t-shirt. He supposed that if they were going to be living in the same place, Amy was bound to find out sometime. Why not now?

He sat down on his bed, and waited for Amy. She knocked softly. Jake stood up to open the door, and turned the knob.

Amy couldn’t help but gasp when she saw Jake. It was so unlike him—the way he looked—and she wasn’t prepared for it. Jake was always that small bit chubby, never fat or anything, and always healthy, but he had a soft layer of padding dispersed around him. Amy thought she knew how thin he had become. Amy was wrong. 

“Hey,” Jake hung his head, “So…”

“I… I don’t know what to say,” For once, Amy wasn’t put together and organized.

Jake was skeletal. His arms were bare, and Amy could see that his elbows were protruding from his arms, and she could nearly see his radius’s and ulna’s working when he moved them. She also saw how baggy his pants were. She had seen him wear them before, and they were snug. Now they threatened to fall off.

“Yeah, I know,” Jake understood Amy’s speechlessness, “I’m sorry this is so out of the blue,”

“Jake,” Amy paused, “You could die,” Amy didn’t want to say that, but she needed him to be okay.

Amy cared deeply for Jake, and this scared her. Not how he looked so much, but the fact that he could soon be in danger because of something self inflicted. Amy admitted to herself that he had either anorexia, or at least some kind of eating disorder, but she didn’t know, until this point, how bad it was. For all she knew, he could already have damaged his organs and systems. She wasn’t sure what exactly would be affected, but she knew for sure that people’s hearts stopped because of this. She wouldn’t let Jake get to that. 

“I know,” 

“I know you know,” Amy did, “I just had to put it out there,”

“I know,” Jake did. 

~

Amy and Jake sat on his bed for awhile. Just talking. They didn’t once touch the topic of his problem, but it seemed like a mutual agreement that they shouldn’t. Jake was going to tell Amy that he wanted her there to take his mind off of it, but it would appear she already knew.

Eventually, they were both yawning, but didn’t want to sleep. So they laid down next to each other. They didn’t say anything for a little while. They just blinked, and scanned each others faces. It was comfortable, and not at all weird for either of them. It maybe should’ve been, but it wasn’t.

“Would you like to stay in here?” Jake asked quietly after the long stretch of silence.

“Is that what you want?” Amy knew what she wanted.

“Is that what you want?” Jake hoped she did.

“Yes,” 

Jake rolled to the side and flicked his side lamp off. Then he lifted the covers for Amy and him to get under. She did.

“What does this mean?” Jake wanted to know what Amy actually felt, and why she said yes.

“I think,” Amy turned her head to face him, and he did the same, “This means I have feelings for you,”

Jake mentally rejoiced because that was what he had wanted for so long, but then his thoughts paused.

“Jake?” Amy pulled him out of his head.

“I really like you too Amy, but I don’t think anything should happen between us,” Jake pursed his lips, and Amy gave him a confused look, “I would love for us to go on a date, or do something nice, but I don’t like the way we got close,”

“Oh,” Amy understood, and she suddenly wasn’t unhappy with Jake’s reasoning.

“I want to wait this out, and if you’ll help me, that would be amazing. But I need to wait for ‘us’ until I’m good, because if you don’t feel the same when you’re not helping me, I don’t want to find out the hard way,”

“I understand,” Amy started to sit up.

Jake put his hand on her arm, and stopped her.

“That doesn’t mean we can’t do this,” Jake didn’t want her to leave.

“I don’t understand,”

“This doesn’t have to be romantic. This, I think, is helping. Don’t tell me you've never shared a bed with a friend, for any reason,” Jake was suddenly being logical, and Amy wondered if this came with the late night, or something else entirely.

“Okay,” Amy settled back in, “If this helps, then I’m here for you. I want you to get better Jake,”

“Thank you Amy,”

“Goodnight Jake,”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not posting sooner, I've just been busy with exams and other things aha. Please enjoy this, and get ready for the final chapter. It'll be pretty short, so don't be too disappointed with it when I post it.

Amy didn’t use the room Jake gave him to sleep in. She used it to change and have some alone time, but every night she would crawl in with Jake, and they would talk. They didn’t go too late like the first night, and it seemed to be helping. As long as they didn't go into anything serious, Jake would sleep in peace, and that in turn, seemed to help him during the day. 

For the next two weeks, Amy made breakfast and dinner for Jake. She made lunch only for herself though, because she knew he didn’t like to eat in front of people. Some days he would eat a little of it. Never all. If it was eggs and toast, he would eat just the toast, or have a couple bites of each. Same went for dinner. At work, Amy sometimes offered him some of her own lunch. He mostly refused, but a couple times, he would have a bite or two of what she was having. 

He gained a few pounds, but nothing noticeable. Amy only knew because Jake would weigh himself every once in awhile. She would take the scale from him, but it didn't seem to bother Jake at all. Amy decided the problem laid elsewhere. 

One night after work, Jake did something unheard of. 

They got to his apartment a little later than usual, because they were looking over some leads on a new case. Jake went into the kitchen, and grabbed a bowl of leftover soup, and he started heating it up. Amy didn’t know what to do. Jake would usually only eat if Amy put something in front of him. She started smiling at Jake’s back, and then she toned it down. This was a huge step for Jake, but Amy needed to hold it in. She didn’t want to get too excited, and pull Jake away from what he was doing. She started looking through the fridge for some other leftovers. There was some pasta that she planned on eating lunch one day, but didn’t get to. She decided to eat that. 

The microwave beeped, and Jake took out his soup. Then he grabbed a spoon from the drawer, and sat at the table. Amy stuck her food into the microwave, and came to the table to sit across from Jake when hers was ready. 

After a little while of neither of them talking, Jake spoke up. He had already taken quite a few spoonfuls of soup. 

“You can talk, you know,” Jake’s tone was lighthearted.

“I don’t know what to say,” Amy was honest.

“How was your meeting with Holt today?” Jake decided on a random topic.

“It was fine, he was actually asking about how to talk to Rosa without aggravating her. Apparently he saw her destroy her mug after a one on one with her, and didn’t want a repeat episode,”

“Wow, I wonder what he said,” Jake laughed. 

Jake laughed. It was such a foreign thing these days, both Amy and Jake were surprised by it. 

“I’m really proud of you Jake,” Amy reached her hand across the table.

Jake reached back, and squeezed hers. 

“Thank you Amy, for everything,”

The next day was back to the way it was, but Amy still counted the previous night as a win for them. She wasn’t lying when she said she was proud of him. She really was.

Slowly, as the days went by, Jake started to initiate his own eating. Every once in awhile, he would grab his own leftover meal from the fridge. He never made anything on his own, but Amy didn’t care. This meant he was getting better. 

What really excited Amy though, was about a week after he started taking initiative.

Jake finished an entire meal. It was one she made, potatoes, chicken, and broccoli. It wasn’t anything special, and it wasn’t an enormous helping. But Jake finished it. 

Things were looking up, and Amy could see Jake getting better. He was looking less like a skeleton now at least. And he was smiling more. 

Until the Friday night of the fourth week Amy was spending with him.

Amy was sitting on the couch reading her book, when there was a small thunk in the kitchen. Amy didn’t think anything of it, but she looked up anyway. She couldn’t have been more wrong. Jake was sitting on the floor against the cupboards, shaking. 

Amy put her book down immediately, and rushed over to Jake. 

“What happened? Are you okay?” Amy crouched down next to him.

Tears started rushing down Jake’s face, and Amy could see that nothing ‘happened’ exactly. Jake took a couple shaky breaths before saying anything to Amy. She sat down completely on the floor, and started rubbing light circles on his palm.

“I don’t know, I’m sorry Amy,” Jake didn’t really say anything useful, but Amy knew she had to be patient.

“There’s nothing for you to be sorry about. It’s all right Jake,”

“I was just in the cupboards, and I couldn’t stop looking at the crackers, and I don’t even know what happened, and suddenly I couldn’t do it, and I hate the fact that I’ve been letting myself eat, and I just can’t do it anymore,” Jake rambled without really thinking about what he was saying.

Amy kept repeating ‘it’s okay’ to Jake, and let his tears burn out a little bit before she started saying anything sensible. Partly because she wanted to wait until he was ready to hear what she was going to say, and partly because she hardly knew what to say. Amy had never dealt with anything like this, and she was scared. She didn’t want Jake to ever look like he did that first night they were staying together. In fact, Amy was terrified. 

“You’ve made so many steps in the right direction Jake. I know how hard this is, and it’s okay to have setbacks. If we need to slow down for a little, that doesn’t discredit any of the progress yo’ve made. So what. Two steps forwards, one step back. Right?”

“I guess,” Jake sniffled. 

He listened to Amy, and he wanted so badly to agree with her, but the not so healthy part of him discarded every word she said. He wanted to be done with this, but at the same time, letting himself not eat was like welcoming back an old friend. 

“We are going to get through this together Jake. Just like I promised. I’m not giving up on you, and I don’t think you should either,”

“Okay,” Jake tried to stop thinking about anything negative.

This time he believed himself a little more.


	8. Chapter 8

A week after Jake’s setback, he still wasn’t back at the point where he was eating on his own. And there was another little issue—he wouldn’t eat unless Amy was finished, and she had to be preoccupied with something else. Amy had taken to reading at the table so Jake could at least eat something. She had gotten through a lot of books while she stayed with him. 

Jake was currently swirling yoghurt and granola around in a bowl, and Amy was rereading the same page over and over because her mind kept wandering. 

She snapped her book shut, and Jake looked up at her with a confused expression.

“You okay?” Jake spoke first.

“Yeah, I’m just having a hard time focussing on my book right now,”

Jake nodded and put is spoon down. 

“I’m sorry I pulled you into this. It’s probably as hard for you as it is for me,”

There was a small pause and both were deep in thought.

“How are you doing with your—everything?” Amy didn’t usually like to ask Jake how he was doing while he was trying to eat, but she felt like she needed to ask,”

“With my,” Jake paused, and Amy tilted her head to the side, “Eating… disorder,” Jake corrected.

Her entire expression softened. A feeling, akin to relief washed through her. The entire time Amy knew about it, Jake had never said it. He denied he even had a problem, almost to the extent that Amy almost believed he believed it. But they both knew deep down what this was.

“Yes, how are you doing?” Amy repeated her question, and Jake’s expression also softened.

“I think I’m doing okay,” Jake did think he was doing okay, “I’m not good, but I’m okay,”

Jake took the spoon again, and took a timid bite with Amy looking at him. He swallowed it slowly. He didn’t like the feeling he got with Amy looking at him, but he ignored it, and tried to crack a smile. It came out a crooked grin, but that somehow fit the mood better than anything else he could’ve done. Amy smiled back.

“Jake?”

“Yeah?”

“I know you’re not completely good yet, and we still have a ways to go, but do you think you could consider a relationship?” Amy sucked in a breath, “I don’t know how long it will be, and that’s completely okay, take as long as you want, but I have been thinking a lot, and I’ve come to realize that I didn’t start having feelings for you after this whole thing started to involve me. I have felt like this for a long time, and I don’t want to waste this chance for a relationship. It’s totally your decision, and if you don’t feel like you’re ready then you don’t have…” Jake cut Amy off.

“I’m ready, for us,” A pause, “Romantic stylez,” As Jake said it, he realized this was the first time he’d fallen back into his old speech.

“You are!?” Amy’s eyes widened, and she cracked half a smile at his wording.

“Yes,”

They both started smiling widely, and suddenly Amy’s eyes were glistening with tears. She was so overwhelmed with everything that had gone on in the past months, and it was all catching up with her. Jake pushed his bowl out of the way, and Amy looked down at it. He had finished it. The tears started pouring down her face, and Jake walked around the table and kneeled facing her side. She turned to face him as well. 

“I don’t expect to get better very quickly, but I promise I will get better. I want to get better,” Jake looked up at Amy’s face.

He put a hand on her chin, and guided her face to his. Before their lips met, Amy paused for a second.

“Are you sure this is what you want?” She didn’t want to rush Jake into anything.

Instead of answering Amy’s question, Jake closed the gap between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I edited this, I listened to kitchen sink by tøp. Idk how that's relevant, but its a good song aha.
> 
> I'm sorry for this being so short, I just did't feel the need to make it any longer. I've decided that I might re watch the series on netflix and then write a sequel or something in the same 'universe'. I hope you all enjoyed it, and thanks so much for all the kudos and comments. Every little thing keeps me motivated and helps me get better at writing. <3

**Author's Note:**

> So here's my newest fic. Yes it's not what anyone expected, but this is what I wrote. I will update often, and this may or may not become a series depending on how I'm feeling, and what kind of response this gets. Thanks for reading.


End file.
